fatal ride

i feel my sporadic heartbeat

faintly cries surrender

as if my heart wants, nay

need, direly need that rest

my lungs deprive my breath

of air, while my head it fills up

the rest of my being wants to live

on, they fight, a vicious struggle

one winning the first minute

and another on the next

and they affect my eyes

i feel a twitch

moist comes out, i see

nothing but black and grey

wasn't the sky

blue yesterday?

this is a ride

rough and wild, nasty ride

and i dared

taking a front seat, buckled

i played brave, so sure i will

make it, to the end

where you said you will be

waiting

and it took a ruthless loop

my head missed

hitting the ground, as i saw

you, or was it your shadow?

leaving...i called out

your name, everyone heard

and turned

except you..,you kept walking

away, father and farther away

not once looking back

and i was still in the loop

merely gazing now

watching you leave

or was it

just your shadow?

i hear the hinges creak

madly

as if in mock rhythm

telling me the end will happen

here, not where you waited

here where i hang

my feet above my head

my hands reaching

to touch the ground

if only

for the last time

i saw bolts falling off

one after another

making silent thumps

that only i seem to hear

every one else has left

safely off their cabs, happy

to see where their ride ended

yet i remain

here hanging, blood now seems to flow

only between my heart

and my head, blurring

my thoughts, obscuring the purpose

why i am here

a final jolt

and i knew i too will fall

off, this cab, off this ride

where my end waited

yes, an end just mine

indifference has consumed me

no fear exists now

i wait

in listless silence

knowing it will happen

any moment now

it will

just happen

closing my eyes

i saw myself here hanging

from a distance

flailing soul that can

no longer cry

remembering the world

before this ride

where i did not exist

where there were just

beginnings

no end, no fear, no pain

where love did not matter

and dreams

were not mine

eyes closed and still

waiting

i see the sky now

burning souls

who took this ride

but my soul is not

there yet

it's still watching me

maybe it too is waiting

for the fall

that will shred my flesh

into bits of memories

that saw you come

and leave

for you

i shall catch the rain

collect its drops with my hands

that you may wash your face

with them, and dilute the tears

i saw you shed last night

i will collect all the stars flirting

your sky, keep them in my closet

and there will be darkness all around

then you will know you are

never alone on a sleepless night

should a fairy promise not to leave

you, in a forgotten tale

and asks for my soul to keep

their pages alive, i will not have qualms

i died the day you left my side

the gods may not know my name

i have not come to them too often

but i will sing their songs of praise

and if for my heart they ask, i shall

humbly use their cleaver, cry my blood

in plea for them to bless your life

remember?

remember how,

you said we will change

each others' lives

how scars will fade

as each year passes us?

remember when

you said this is forever, today

that tomorrow is yet

a promise

yesterday, but a reminder

of what we couldnt have

remember why

we loved despite

and in spite..of them

who said we couldnt

who thought we wouldnt last

remember?

tell me if you do

because sometimes

i forget too...

the bottomline

it shall yet be

a thousand dreams

that we may see fail or fly

a hundred fights

that will end some

nights

a few good smiles

we'll send across

the miles

a million hours

we'll spend apart

but when the night turns in

as we

separately, half awake stare

outside our windows

feeling and filling

each other's heart

pondering on tomorrow

that awaits

our love

we know, its time

for a curtain call

and waning applauses

fading bright lights

vanishing paths un-trekked

and what will remain

that really matters

is us

you and i

growing old

together

promise me forever and i will love you..tonight

do not tell me we shall trek a road

unfamiliar to us, with light flickering

as candles to our home, giving but

a peek of what there shall be for us

i have stepped on thorns far too many

i will need you to carry me, a step or two

maybe, if only to give me rest, from a journey

i took on by myself before you came

dont tell me to wait for the world

to understand before you wear the shirt

i've sewn for you with trembling hands

my fingers bled with needle pricks for this

i can no more hide behind the shadow

of the morrow's you have promised

which have failed to come, somehow

with the mocking sun set each time

sleep if you must now, at peace with love

but take me to where your dreams will be

hold me tight, whisper me forever

let it start tonight...

solitude's child

when shall i stop feeling

alone

i am tired! of this anguish

i have lost

the strength to fight, I

want some rest, please

now...

ignore my sobs, as i

speak in codes thru breaths

i grasp

do not hold me

even when my will breaks

into wails

of prayers, pathetically sung

in an empty mosque

that sometime ago i built

with my lies

i cannot forever cry

the silence that resounds

within my soul, shatters

what remains

of hope i hid from

my saline tears

and the walls that shield

my despair

from your inquisitive eyes

fall, brick by brick

as promises are hurled

at my stoic stance

but they come, and go

as tides to a shore, leaving

some, taking what's mine

then comes the moon

grinning at fate, its glow

taunts the shadows

that your light squandered

with the setting sun

last night i dreamt

i was alone

i was singing, and dancing

and whirling to a trance

i was not happy, neither

was i sad

i was alone, and i dreamt

let solitude adopt me

call me its child..

a poem, again...

i knew it was

a dream, and soon

the sun will come

to hurt my eyes

force them

open with the sharp glint

of light that pierces

thru the drapes of darkness

i painted yesterday

and i have to

write again, maybe

a thousand more

words to hold me still

to breathe out

frustrations and anger

and lies that swore

and sadness

and a poem