for maya...

i never want to see you cry
i remember how
your small wails faded
into soft giggles you learned
when i come and whisper
to your ear "mama is here,
don't worry now"


i can not allow you to fall
and i loved when you wont
let my hand go, when you wanted
me by your side, with every uncertain
word you utter, in every attempt
of a wobbly step you make

i do not want to see you leave
but i would love to see you soar
flying to a heaven you are yet to name
creating a rainbow with colors you choose
yes, you can and i know you will
define a world you'll call your own

my own voice would soon be lost
my arms are not as strong
i may soon fail to heed your calls
time does that, you know
but until my last dusk fades
until the sun decides to sleep
until the stars flicker last
my sky will hold your name

....

when you return you may not find the same face
you have a portrait of, in your mind
her eyes may have lost their luster,
her lips that always used to draw a smile
may be arched in half nostalgic frown
her head persistently shaking not in lament,
you must understand, aging takes toll,
it cannot be helped, sometimes

you wont be able to hold her hands, as soft
as they were, nor as gentle, as firm
hers would be trembling when you return
withered with the prayers she sang
for years, every night she spent
dreamless yet,  hoping still

she will not sing you the song, she promised
to welcome you home with, words
would have changed their meanings, then
or she may have simply forgotten
as were her cries muffled, in between
occasional calls and mindless ramblings

but when you return, you will find
pieces of your past hanging on her wall,
she tried to hold together, with every drop
of sadness drowned in visions of a union
imagined,  distant, but to her
it was the only thing real

if you return

there may not be time left to share
morrows may have been wasted

but yesterdays would have remained
as she had...waiting...

i am a woman

why do you make me cover my face
why do i have to hide my body
behind a silhouette,  and speak in darkness
why do i have to ask in whispers
why do you allow my voice be silenced?!

look at me! and i will look at you straight in the eye
i am the body that bore you into this world
my breasts are what fed you as an infant
my hands are what nurtured you to become a man
my voice is what gave you the first thoughts you have
my feet were your guide when you weren't strong enough!

i am a woman

i have my beauty that men like you adore
i exude sensuality that drives men like you wild
my strength is one no man can even understand
my will cannot be conquered by anyone

if i love you, i will love you till the last
but i will tell you when i have had enough
like you will, but not with shame nor regret
i will leave you with pride that once
you've been loved

i am a woman

and i have some flaws too.
i am not perfect
but that's how i know
it's perfectly fine not to be
as you are not
as nothing in this world was
nothing is or ever will be

if  i've been wronged, trust me!
i shall fight, till he who errs rectifies
if i've been shamed, believe me
contrary to your belief, i did not want that

i put on make up because i feel good when i do
i wear my hair short so i can move comfortably
i wear short skirts because they're cool for me
i act, talk and walk like i do, because i am me

i am a woman

and i am a person just like you
do not measure me as an object to please you
i do not need your pedestal where you leave me
alone and detached, away and unheard
except on sundays, or nights you have the need
to remember

i will walk the ground you walk, i will toil
on land as you, my skin will burn in sun like yours
i will cry for help if i step on a stubble
and i will speak pain, without shame,
of my bleeding wounds

i am a woman

and i will be as i am
keep the curtains in your closet,
i need not cover my past
save the shades for the birds
i want light laid on my path

i am a woman

i know what i want and come hell
or high waters, i will go for that
i will shed tears, and sweat and blood
when i need to, i will stake my life
there is no giving up

i am a woman, i have my rights
just like you
i will speak of them on a spotlight
i will fight for them on the battleground
i will not hide, i am not taking a passive stance
i will hurt and i will be hurt, i will be mocked
and i will laugh, as the bell sings end
i know i would have won, and you
can ever again judge me not

let's talk an end

no, let's not

talk about love tonight

that excuse had been

battered enough

let's talk words, clear

precise... and absolute!

no guesses, no gaps

no poems!

none of that, tonight

or

let's just talk

in a defined silence

even 

in disfigured rage,

in waning strength,

in sheer madness

unnamed spades

an end... yes, that!

let's talk that

tonight...

one last time

when she looked me in the eyes, one last time
she asked
for everything that was mine
love, forgiveness, apathy!
to forget and remember
to move on after
but first, to let her go
she expected, all these
i could give in one breath
because she wont wait
she just cant

we both knew she had to leave
my wristwatch has stopped
to mark the time, hers
her final flight

and i gave
all that she asked for
years of strength,
obscured fears,
unwavering faith
and a life

keeping only the tears i saved
for her, with her
i cried, the day she left
...one last time

to stay...

push me in and lock the door
dont ever let me out again
cause i've been in this room before
but i never stayed long, never
trusting the walls to hold, i push
out, and leave

finding only strangers' invite
to rooms with no roof
or a bed full, i make love
on the floor, 'till a knock comes
until it's time to throw
the garbage out

push me in and lock the door
throw the keys away and
make me stay through the seasons
let the days die on me
here, never in the cold

sa pagdalaw ng alingawngaw

Minsan ko nang narinig ang alingawngaw na yan. Gigisingin ka niya sa kalaliman ng gabi. Kung kailan pinaka tahimik, kung kailan ang isip mo nalang ang gising at piniplit kang kumbinsihin na matulog na dahil pagod ka na, dahil pagod na rin ang isip mo sa kaiisip. Dahil kailangan niyo na pareho ng pahinga.

Parating maragsa ang dating ng alingawngaw. Hindi posibleng hindi ka niya masasagi at magugurlisan. Sa malalalang kaso pa nga, malalim ang sugat na ginagawa niya. Hindi maghihilom kasabay ng panahon tulad ng sabi nila. Mananatili itong bantad sa paghapdi. Ang akala mo gumagaling, ang hindi mo alam, nasasanay ka nalang sa sakit kaya hindi mo na pinapansin.

Naalala ko si ina, at nang unang dumalaw ang alingawngaw. Namingi ako. Akala ko may kulog na sumugat sa langit. Akala ko may lindol na yumanig sa akin magmula sa bumbunan hanggang sa talampakan. Pinawis ako ng malamig. Malamig at malagkit. Parang may kung anong kumapit sa balat ko na di maalis. At hindi na aalis. Humalo na ito sa amoy ng pawis ko. Kasama na ito sa bangis ng usok na ibinubuga ko mula sa sigarilyo. At kahit matagal ng nilamon ang usok ng kawalan, maamoy mo pa rin ito sa hininga ko. Buhay na buhay. Mabaho. Masangsang.

Takot daw ang tawag dito.


Nang masundan ng alingawngaw si ina, nagkatinginan sila ng matagal. Walang kumikilos. Walang gumagalaw. Para bang nakaabang sila sa maling hakbang na gagawin ng bawat isa. At pagkatapos ay mag-uunahan sa pagtakbo. O huhulihin ng mas malakas ang unang susuko. At gugupuin na niya ito, hindi na pakakawalan. Dadalhin kung saan niya gusto. Hanggang sa maturang na siya ang panalo.


Malakas ang loob ni ina. Pero nanghina ang katawan niya. Unti unti nakita ko, tinatalo siya ng alingawngaw. Gaano man niya kagustong manalo. Gaano man siyang nagsikap na manlaban. 


Nakitakbo ako kay ina. Magkasama naming pinipilit takasan ang pagtugis ng alingawngaw. Magkatulong Naming pilit pinipigilan ang andar ng orasan. Pinapahaba ang bawat segundo. Binabali ang mga minuto. Hinihipan ang bawat oras papalayo.


Pero kakampi ng alingawngaw ang panahon. Orasan ang sandata niya. At habang inuubos nito ang lakas namin, habang hinihigop nito ang tira-tirang katas ng aming pananalig, lalo siyang lumalakas. Lalo siyang tumitikas.

Natalo si ina. Naisip ko na noon, doon talaga papunta ang laban. Wala pa akong alam na kwentong natalo ang alingawngaw. Ang sabi nga nila, kapag nakursunadahan ka, lagot ka. Walang kabuluhan ang pagkapit sa panahon o ang pananaid ng mga minuto. Lahat ito, ang alingawngaw ang nagtatakda.


Heto na naman siya. At sa ilalim ng kama ko nagtatago. Makailang ulit ko na siyang nakasama sa panaginip. Bangungot ang dala niya, pero natatakasan ko siya. Akala ko. 

Putang ina! bakit ka ba natatakot?!


Dahil hindi pa ako tapos!

Tapos saan? Ano pa ba ang dapat mong tapusin? Akala mo ba totoong may katapusan ang mga gusto mong gawin? Pag nakatapos ka sa isa hahanap ka pa ng ibang magagawa. At tuloy tuloy yan..walang katapusan.


Pano ang mga iiwan ko?

Iiwanan mo sila! At mabubuhay sila. Maaalala ka nila paminsan minsan. Hindi ka nila kalilimutan. Pero tatanggapin nila na wala ka na. Katulad ng pagtanggap mo na wala na si ina.


Natatakot ako.

Dahil? Dahil hanggang ngayon naniniwala ka sa impyerno? Dahil nag-aalala ka na hindi sapat ang ginawa at ipinakita mong buti sa mundo at paparusahan ka sa pagsama mo sa alingawngaw?


Hindi, hindi ako takot sa impiyerno.

Eh sa langit? Baka sa langit ka natatakot? Dahil hindi ka sanay sa buhay na matahimik? Dahil hindi mo alam pano ang buhay na walang dahilang umiyak. Dahil hindi mo alam ang gagawin kapag wala kang dapat isipin at alalahanin?


Totoo kaya ang langit?

Alam mong hindi masasagot ang tanong mo na yan. Kahit nino. Ang tanong, mahalaga pa ba yan? Ang mahalagang pag-isipan mo ay ang naging buhay mo dito. Dito ka gumawa ng langit para sa sarili mo. At dito ka rin dumanas ng impiyerno. Sa pag-alis mo, ang tanong ay kung alin ang mas ibinuhay mo. Pwedeng hindi na maging sapat ang panahon para maitama mo ito. Pwedeng sa ngayon, huli na ang pagmumuni-muni mo. Pero may silbi pa rin ito. Yun ang wag mong kalimutan.


Ano pang silbi kung huli na nga ang lahat?

Mag-iiwan ka ng ala-ala. Sa lahat ng mga minahal mo at sa lahat ng nagmahal sayo. Sikapin mong ang mga huling oras na pagsasamahan niyo ay oras na masasaya. Yun ang regalo mo sa kanila. Yun ang huli mong iiwanan sa kanila. At ang mas mahalaga, mag-iiwan ka ng aral. Aral sa mga gainawa mong mali, sa mga palpakan at meron ding aral na magaganda. Itampok mo ang mga aral na yan. Wag itatwa o talikuran. Dahil maraming matutulungan yan. Maraming matutunan diyan. Nasa iyo ang susi para mangyari yan.


Ang hirap namang basta nalang biglang magbago. Bigla akong magiging masayahin at mapangaral? Likas ang pagiging mahadera ko!

Eh di masaya kang mahadera. At mahadera kang mangaral. Tinanggap ka ng mga taong nagmahal sayo ng kung ano ka. Walang labis walng kulang. Di mo kailangang baguhin anuman. Ang sinasabi ko lang, sa limitadong oras na meron ka, sulitin mo na. wag mo nang idaan sa drama.


----


Madilim na ulit ang gabi.Tahimik na lahat, pati ang kunsensiya ko.

Hindi ko alam kung ito na ang huling gabi ng pagdalaw ng aligawngaw para tuluyan nang isama ako. Sana hindi pa. Kahit isang araw nalang.

Gusto ko lang na magising ang anak ko na nakayakap ako sa kanya. Gusto ko lang batiin ang tatay ko ng magandang umaga. Gusto ko lang pasalamatan ang pamilya at mga kaibigan kong hindi tumalikod sa akin. Gusto ko lang humingi ng tawad sa lahat ng nasaktan ko. Gusto ko lang makapag dasal pa ng isang beses sa diyos na kinilala ko.

Kung ibibigay sa akin ang isang araw na yon, sa huling bigwas ng kamay ng orasan, sa muling paglubog ng araw, sa huling sandali ng kadiliman, handa na ako.

what matters...

for every drop of tear i have shed
for someone who left or caused me pain
you had a smile to offer, a minute
stolen from a the precious pages
of a book you love to read
or from a warm cup of coffee waiting
for your first sip, because you chose...
you choose, to lend me what's theirs

for every crying poem i write
you read my words in silence,
with an unwavering faith they will end
each time, and every time, you too, wait
for me, when i can listen, when i can
hear, you speak, not of how the spring
will come again, but of the buds
left untouched by the last fall, and lived

for every night i wish, to have
my eyes closed forever, you come
tip-toe-ing in my dreams, careful
not to wake the nightmares,
you have seen me die with them, in them
you risk, to reach your hand for my last
grasp, to waking moments, and stay
only until you know when i'd dream again

....

hush... i hear you now, without the words
i know i will live to see, forever
both in melancholic dusks and sober twilights
in untold stories and obscured tales
before, after, through and between all these

... i have you. that matters.

undecided

stay or leave
do not befriend
the shadows hiding
under my bed, waiting
orchestrating
an attack, after i have won
over nightmares

stay or leave
do not let the memories
linger far more than they were
...wither hopes, and dreams
and love!
you cannot sleep
with both devil
and kindness in the dark


stay...

or, leave
now! there's no tomorrow
do not lay claim on what is not

leave...
and i'll spare you of burning
tears

virtual death

today i shall choose
the saddest movie ever made
to watch the grief unfold
and wait until the hero dies
in the arms of his beloved

then i will cry with her
let all the tears fall unabashed
let the darkness consume us
to let out cries unmuffled
equally, unbiased

i shall watch the mirror
that was her dream, break
into tiny pieces, till all lose
their name, her life, nothing
but a story, that now ends

then i shall pick up the shards
let them sharp edges cut
wounds that will bleed and wont
ever heal, as i create a collage
that will make both our stories real

and she will rise, when the sun pans
her morning, and cries have fallen deaf
to the background music that never played
and i too can bury my mournings
of a death never claimed

lost child

smile my child
a new sun for you will rise
not on the shaded greens
of your backyard
but on the horizon you have
stretched your neck to see
how far

i know corns have grown
for you
not on the fields
but on your palms
as you carry half the load
your dad has, on his shoulders
in your heart

the sky was painted
red, when you saw a neighbor shot dead
black, when mom sold her bed for you
grey, when a brother cried for her
ugly when you found all these
...not a dream

the rains will pour
some more, rocks
will bore holes on your roof
knocking on your empty stomach
crashing on paper walls

and them colors will make you
fearless, of more storms so strong
they take you, swallowed by waves
taken to depth, you hold your breath
like a moment of death
then everything you watch in stillness
till the new light flickers

smile my child
you'll need these, to create brighter hues
to paint your world anew
banish that frown that breeds despair
instead, plant left-over dreams
on a land where fairy tales grow

soon, you too will see
scattered  moonlights
stars painted like glitters
in an ocean, hushing the tides
rolling only soft ripples that will carry you
from a lost child to a man
born of fate, grown in wisdom

i only write poems

i borrowed her song
listen to her words
and the melody she made

no, she did not write it for you
but the words, those words
she's written
were what my heart wept
too many nights
the tears that shall flow
as you read, are mine

let them touch your cheeks
as softly as my hands used to
when you closed your eyes
from what the real says
and chose a dream,
a home, a time...that exist
only for us, only ours..

let her music fill your soul
cause i know my poems dont
not anymore, finding them
not enough, meanings
dont hold for long

maybe you expect me to say more
to convince you
there's something to come back for
to write you an end you cannot refuse
or weave you hopes, undoing
what promises failed to keep

but i choose to wait
and watch, in complete silence
in an unmoving darkness that you left

listen to her song, it shall talk to you
the way you'd want me to
the way i know i can't

i only write poems...

withdrawn

i dont want to talk
about the rain tonight
not the lure its splatters make
against an abandoned pavement
along a past untraveled

i dont want to see
the moon and the mood
it intends to show
to foolish mortals awed
of its brilliance
miser, be it, though

let no star hope
i'd catch it when it falls
played that game too many
pouncing on every chance
finding only dead stars
in my hands

i dont mean to sound bitter
pardon me.

let's talk tomorrow.

tonight, im just
too tired.

friendship and love, re-lived...

inspired by the movie : The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini.

i wish i could have watched it with you. it would have been nice to hear what you thought of the many tear jerking scenes, while they on the screen hardly showed tears.

oh yes, i cried! and i cried a lot, i know. and knowing me more, i'm sure you would have guessed just that, and are perhaps laughing now hearing me admit it without shame.

there are still some tears left as i write this. and they pave the path fresh for me to go back. to reminisce and re-live without fear, this time, each moment that i eluded an inch away from pain.

now i can touch them, and hold them as my heart burns, and keep them, keep them till all pains have shied away, leaving only nights and days remembered glittered with love that friendship has gifted us, back when we were....oh well, you know, back then.

what one can give for friendship huh? and only he who gives will understand how he can, only he knows why he will.

for what good is love if not shared? and what value is life if it holds no one dear?

no, dont bother. as in the past, i still wont argue with you on anything. i can never beat you with words, much more your eloquence. you kept saying i'm all heart, and unfortunately that heart learned to throb in silence.




you say i should not believe every story i hear. can't you see? believing is not where starts, nor where it ends. every story touches. and tear a part of me as they end. and when they leave, they take that part with them and i will never have it back, not in the same shape and form they have been taken. and so little pieces of me begin to live in those stories. i become a part of their truth and to me they become real.






well, it was just story another ended. as i watched, it made me remember: you, and parts of your yesterday; me and my foolish hope for tomorrows; us and a time we lived forever.






oh! don't ask. you'd know the answer. shall i watch it again? as hassan, the kite runner, have said : for you, a thousand times over!

clothed

the last drop of wine
served before dusk
pallidly sparkles
against a bored goblet
..they too bear
the madness
a familiar silence
of a night relentless,
refuses to remember
nor to forget

it was never lonely
this way
smiles peek over
nostalgic tears
as a voice silenced
cry for a chance
to create an image
without fear
the first of a memory
the last of a dream

then, ends darkness

and every naked soul needs be
clothed

poetry

i have decided last night
that i will never lose you
not even after you have left
not even after i have gone

i need you to keep me
in touch with my heart
which whimpers so often
i do not understand

i need you to see
what my eyes, closed, can't
the light that drowned
sadness of a setting sun

i have decided last night
that i will never lose you
not even after, i cannot write
not even after all words have died

tell me you are

tell me

you are real

tell me you are

i dont need to see

your face

but tell me you speak

only the truth

when we talk

tell me your brows cross

when i act silly

tell me you smile

when you see me

i dont need to touch

your hand

to feel your warmth

as things are now, you are

doing more than that

enough to last a night

otherwise lost in solitude

and then another

waited in hope

tell me you are

real

tell me

you are

a friend sent from above

or maybe the ocean where i once drowned

or perhaps from down under who gave

the push to rise

above pains and loneliness

to defy defeat

and yield to life

i know i shall

die some more, leaving

a million lives

more pebbles await a trip

on the journey

to the shore

i know i shall

live again and then again

waking to dreams some turned

to lies

eclipse will happen

again...sometimes

and you may no longer be

there to watch, much less to nudge

let tomorrow worry about its child

today you're here

tell me

you are

some stories

what's your story?

eyes wide with anticipation

lips unleashing a sheepish smile

you asked

and i wondered

must i have a story?

for the way my hands tremble

or the twitch in my eye

for the imperfect smile

that my lips form at most

or the unconscious frown

that comes out once in a while

everyone has something to tell..

and you told yours, sometimes

dreamy, on others, misty eyed

and i watched as you march thru
them, a past you wished forgotten
or some you direly want back

then there was silence


you wait for me to speak, perhaps
to see if i had been through as much

and i let the silence prevail

some stories must remain
only in the past...

fate-less

you have your coffee - black
made my cheese berry  - blue

a bad joke with a twist
of green lemon you spit

the bitter lies for desert
of stale wine you burped

love when you're through
leave after that too

look not, back on us
i've left before you

crap

you are a past
i dressed to look
like a dream
that will come back

you are a dream
i painted with love
on a wet canvass
left to dry

you are a love
i found in a song
old lovers sang,
out of time

you are a song
i hummed in mornings
till dusk ends
you, then I

a promise, yet

one day i will travel your land
on barefoot and naked hands
so i can walk on
where your footprints left and
feel, how the sand scorched
the desire of your soul
and reach
far across the depth of the sea
that kept our dreams afloat

i would have grey hairs then,
i may not even remember your name
my eyes will be too weary to look
for a past, when we tried
where we sought
the winds blew not miracles
when we changed...

i will not try to look for you
i shall not call
on the doves that brought me
your letters, your songs, your poems
are enough to see me through
my last moments
to relive the story we have written
together, to keep a promise ---
i'd live for you
till we end

a dream

i dreamt of you last night
after what seems a million years
when i waited, and you never came
when i thought, i was
tired of waiting and hoping
and believing..one day you will

but you were there! you came, this time
for me...no one else, but me
i was so afraid to close my eyes
when you cupped my face
to plant our first kiss...
so afraid that when i open them
you will be gone again...

in whispers, you told me, not to fight
to let this dream live the night
for us
i held my tears and let
you vanish my fears, to take me
to a bliss, only I heard about

we traveled far, from a past
of faded faces, to a future of more dreams
dreams you said we shall share
only we, will always share

i forgot it was a dream
your arms around me, fit perfectly well
your smile on my lips tasted sweet
your breaths in my soul made me
believe...

then, there was a noise, loud and frantic
and people started running, in all directions
shoving us, trampling on us, ignoring us
and we too had to run, together, hand in hand
i felt your tensed grip, you knew didnt you?
you knew, but you won't, you can't..
or so i thought...
tell me...why?
why did we have to let go?

i woke, choking on my tears
dying..dying with the dream...
knowing i have lost
lost you,
again, and this time
it's real...

twin souls

to dance in the rain, as we cry
let it pour and and free our souls
let its drops mingle with our tears
till either is named, when neither has dried

till the last sap of fear freeze
we shall quiver for many endless minutes
i'll hold your hands, with mine, shaking
inching away from the madness
with every sob, a silent wail, grasping
our last breath, let's do this! together..
till we fall, on our knees, unafraid now
to cry, for the last time, the loudest!

and the rain too shall tire, and leave us
weak, drenched, trembling,
one with the puddle of its own tears
forming ripples, we feel them
dancing at our feet..and we shall watch
watch in silence, till everything is..
as we see them
as we wished them, to be
some gone, some strayed, some lost
but one
stayed, with us, faith...
un-shriveled, ours, bound eternal

the journey hasn't ended,
we'll find more, rains and thunderstorms
rocks and thorns!...and pits, and holes
we'd say, bring it on!
we fear no more....we have lost
lost so many, so many times before
but
not alone, we know
we know somehow
we won!

will you?

will you write a poem for me?

i am no poet

the pearls you see on my words

are tears that dried in fear

of meeting morrows in darkness

a dying soul, i hear

will you sing a song for me?

no, i cannot sing

not of your beauty nor your love

i've long lost a melody

that led this path to yours

tired feet i have with me

will you dream a dream for me?

i was a dreamer too

till all the hours have ticked by

leaving, me in pained slumber

waiting for this story's end

its start, i don't remember

my last wish

on nights when i can't come to your side
please understand that my words are chained
to the wounds left open when lightning stuck
and time itself lags on the promised change
that shall bear a new sun out, for us...

remember the days when i held your hand
when i knew what you needed, without a word
i stayed, to watch over you, as silently as i can
chasing away a nightmare that haunts
that which you thought i didn't know about

i may never heal again, i bled too much this time
but it doesn't change a thing, i can still close my eyes
make my sorrows wait and wither my wants
at the end of the day, before the last star dies
i'd give you my friend, what strength i have left
and the very last thread of happiness i can still find

by you

one day, this book would claim
recognition and pride
then history will forget
when the dusk refused to leave
you, curled up in a blanket
of words you cannot write

one day, as the pages turn
and your story comes to life
the world will feel the pain
of a man reinventing his first love
and a child trapped in the fairy tale
of a frog  that remained
buried in the sand

let the pages burn their hands
one for each minute you were judged
one for each lover you killed
one for each dream you failed
one for each night you died

he..

he was young
but grew old, about five years
faster than most, forced to
wrestle with fairness
in a world which wont even
recognize his voice

he learned of life
only from books, words
of wise men and heroes
he never really understood

he saw love, only through
his mother's eyes, which cried
more than it ever saw the light
and he shared that pain
in his every waking day

but still

he loved, more than he knew
he should, he gave
more than what he owned
treading on a fine line, between
deceit and betrayal

he dreams, of a memory
faint from childhood, when good things
lasted, and hopes never
left him, abandoned

letting go

a fierce struggle it was!
god would know of the nights
when i muffled my cries
with my pillow that now know
your name by heart

you had me warned
what seems a lifetime ago
of wavering loyalty
and flippant obsessions,
you were born with

it isn't your fault

i'm letting go now
heck! i know,
i'd cry some more
i love you too much, after all
do you know?

i'd gratify my loss with a few more tears
another night in the cold can't kill
perhaps it will help freeze
that space you left, where i can
bury the pain in numbness
and tomorrow
i will be strong again
no i wont forget you
i can't
but letting go
is where it ends

pagtangis

gusto ko sanang namnamin ang katahimikan
isabay ang pangangarap sa paglalim ng gabi
umidlip sa duyan ng kapayapaan...

pero ayaw matapos ng alingawngaw
pagtangis ng maraming nasugatan
pag-iyak ng mga namatayan

nakakasilaw ang dugong dumilig sa araw
pinagtampisawan ng mga paang naglilibang
sa pangako ng mga diyos-diyosan

your song

the music may die, soon
we will watch
as it fades and recedes
into the corners
of utter sadness, or perhaps be
forgotten

still,
until it does

let me feel its rhythm as my blood,
its beat nudging, consciousness
reminds me of each minute
ticked away in search
waiting and hoping
only to find
that the music played for me
from the start,

to the end,
it does

raise my soul unto the peak
of fleeting joy and lasting madness
the melancholic pauses,
the brilliant gaps..
a crescendo that shall be
heard last

then, everything else
stops

:(

i saw her in your dreams, her face etched with your whispers
spoken in prayers you never let me hear, remember
when you said it was not hers? oh how i thanked heavens!
but when you closed your eyes, i knew, forever isn't mine

i cannot stay and just watch how i'd lose this battle, you've taken
me, unarmed, you've always known i don't have much to offer...
let me gather the memories, piece by piece, and make them whole
tomorrow, when i'm gone, they'd be what's left of what was once

come to me poet

tell me poet...

when did you believe roses
melt a young lady's heart
and dare
to nip their thorns, one by one
till your fingers bled
and found
it took too much;

when the blood inside you
first simmered, incessantly
intense, as the embers seemed
to burn your soul
with greed and longing
realizing, satiation
is for the meek

when you found fidelity
merely impregnates
love
and obscures its meanings
then, you cried
of tears, wishing
you knew lust as much!
but you didnt..

come to me poet
let's talk about it...
we have the whole night, to us
a world, sometimes cruel
often unforgiving...
but it waits, for us
to explore it's secrets
and perhaps, before it sleeps
find us an escape
or maybe a dream...

tell me virginia

when the shadows sleep
and leave you to play with
the many faceless creatures that call
your name, subverting sobriety
you have mastered, after
a long journey that led you
nowhere,
what do you see?

when the deaf tolls of bells fall
on the languid cries of your child
for a mother trapped
in her own youth, for a future
she has yet to understand,
whose voice you hear?

when the feathers in your pocket
with which you shared
an ugly dream, turned to embers
that burnt your palms
clasped in prayers, to a God
unnamed, mummed answers
sent to mock
your thoughts of real and unreal,
how did you feel?

tell me virginia, tell me now
my own ghosts wont let me sleep
and the fire inside
consumes my soul fast, so fast!
i grope for air for my last struggling breaths
as my child clings to me
a life i cannot hold
for neither of us

tell me virginia, tell me..now
did you find peace away from dreams?
is there your solace
amidst the ocean?

* the star that you were

i am now in a place, far

away from where your light can cast

a shadow on my heart, struggling

to make it to another night
when i can dream

and wish all my dreams back

when you were distant

when i knew not your colors

when your voice was just an echo

of your poems, your laughter

a music i wove from my own joy

and your tears a reflection

of my sorrow

away from you, i can be
the child who adores your charm
the smitten teen age girl who murmurs
a tale of a secret love
or a lady consumed by passion
and waits at night
to bask in your warmth
frightened of letting go,
eager to make love

let me stay here
and make believe...
one day, when darkness has gone
you'd come, and find me
in this place
where i have always waited
waited for you to shine...

she..

she once tried to write

a poem about herself, 

because no one else could

not because they wont

but because they felt

they know her too well, or some

have known her too soon

but the poem refused her

words that barely captured what she wanted

said, remained buried in the rubbles 

untouched by her desire

to come out, and let out a yearning

to be heard

she once tried to sing a song

for herself, to create a melody that she could

play over and over in her head

to dance to and swing with, to come

into a trance for, entangled in a weave

of unrhythmic thoughts and random feelings
rising and falling and fading
to a calm....if only to rise, again

but her music died, somewhere
between the anxious search and senseless calls
the nostalgic journey brought farther
doubts in a path where she lost
her steps, as certain as they were
of the peaks and pits, of the mounds and holes
of a day, and a dream, then
there was fate

she has left
her shadow sewn to her past
and her heart clings to a  promise, bleak
tho it may be, her laughter resounds
in rumbles you hear of an earth moving,
the refined tunes of pleas and wails,
what once spelled indifference

find her smiles afloat the breezes
that caress your half conceived dreams
that soothe wounds you bought to win
a battle, or to lose a war within

a minute before the darkest dawn,
between your god and hers, she awaits
your soft whisper with simple words :
you understood,
all she wanted was to be happy
she was being silly, but
no one ever told her...

a moonless night

he paces around his dark room
the unhinged door on one side and an open window
on the other, from which only a thick wall can be seen
and only the remaining breaths of air passes
reeking through the stench of molds as old as the wall
and the half dried rain of a late summer..

it had been several full moons since he started...

how she loved the moon, he often caught her
talking to it on late nights, when he comes home
sober, and knows she'd be basking in its warmth
on nights he was not, when he does not..

and it was several nights that he didnt...

he looks back, on an unfinished portrait
the thick wavy hair crowns a face perfect in shape,
almost, if not for the small scar that dented her right temple..
ah! he remembers the wound, how that bled
in that same room, beside his bed she laid,
covering her face, but the blood glared, as if
beckoning him to come near, to see for himself
how she tried, despite the pool of blood...and tears,
to remain placid, her eyes still as clear as the stream
untouched, as she was, before they started
a dream

those eyes...

he remembers, very clearly, how they spoke to him
when he wanted only her silence
how they smiled more than her lips did after a night
of passion...she called it love, he always thought it was
just one of the many they have yet to share..

it was time for the moon to rise anew
he shall not see its light tho, it has been forever
buried behind the wall facing his window

with a trembling hand he tries once more
but the face just stares at him, giving no clue
those eyes wont speak to him now, he knows

his canvass died the day they closed, leaving him
only a shadow of what she saw, the debris
of whom and why she loved..


he hangs the portrait back
and sits by the window, praying
for the same darkness that has engulfed her
to choke out that thick lifeless breath
that eludes death, and kills everything in him

some call it love

i'd like to find a word
that best describes
the anticipation
of seeing you at night
the erratic beats
of my heart, gone mad
you'd say, oh! yes, maybe
mad...

help me define that state
when eloquence is lost
and pride is choked
with simple carefree thoughts
knowing unintelligible whispers
will be bridged by warmth
in silences that fills
the old forgotten void

please don't look for rhymes
metaphors you wont find
this is not a poem...
it's just my heart's musings
on the new things i discovered
the sheepish grin
a silly teardrop
the timid laughter
a trembling voice

some would simply call it love
i say, it must be
much more than that

remembering bibam

this is just one picture of you
oh! don't we both look so young?!
and youth buys its choices huh
we made ours

yours was a path where others await
the end of an old story
and perhaps, the start
of a new one
where they can be victors
that thought
in me, you inspired

some wounds never heal tho
not for a long time
and you knew
somewhere, somehow
you would shed your own
blood, if only for that hope
parched, others' have
died

i can not be sad
i know you have won
a battle, but remembering
makes me cry

no, it hasn't ended, maybe it wont
in my lifetime
but courage doesn't whither
i know that, now
someone who'd have your name
or the same dreams you had
takes the same path
that has your blood

wait for me? we could have a short chat
again, and if i'd have my chance
to witness, i'd tell you
how it was before
i, too, have gone

this could be our last goodbye

the hours have finally ended
as did rushed words
in spite
of tomorrows that
never saw a day
nor nights in between
those nightmares

oh! i shall not haunt
you and your dreams
you and your promises
you and your plans
you...and your freedom
leave, now...
before you change your mind

because i cant

watch another sunset
i have lost a dead sea
i want my own sun,
that you wont share,
i want my own tides
roaring! breathing life!

leave and rest...
and forget
the night has gone
deaf
cries too have dried,
the tears wont remember

yes you may...

it doesn't matter now

maybe tonight

last night i had a dream
the kind that flies...
it crept through
my sleeping window
and took me..
a million times
across a burning sky,
over parched nights,
against the tides

i saw the stars
oh! how they fought,
with the neon lights
probing, and taunting,
a frantic wail of an owl
then, a soothing hum
... a lullaby

i would have wished to stay
but the sun had to wake
my dream, away now
but he left his broken wing
in my arms, one night he'll come
again...healed
of that curse
of  empty spaces and broken vows
and he'll stay
with me, just me...

maybe tonight

re-shine..

once again
he shines
touching her
with a warmth
distant yet familiar
that which reminds
of a day
unspent..
a chance,
to stay
and wait,
wait eternal
knowing the night
wont end now,
no, not now...

till then

she reads him again
this time
without her
dreamy lenses,
fogged truth,
and the mirror
breaks in front of her

the girl he loved

stares across
the past
behind the curtains
of grey hairs
and withered laughters

she left

only an old song plays
wills him to remember
till he does
till then...

up until too late...

i would like to think that you are somewhere writing me letters, or perhaps a poem? of how different
your mornings are, now that the sun shines on your side of the bed while the moon keeps to its corner, watching,just watching you squander the night away.

perhaps one day, i'd get a call, the phone singing your name, and i'd hear your voice trembling, drowned by the soft breeze, your words muffled, unclear.  instead, i'd hear how the wind ruffles your hair and dabs your cheeks with soft longing, the promise of your return, soon, one day.

until then, i'll keep weaving a drape of many colors, like the shirt you used to wear, mocking the grey skies and the storm of despair.

should you return and find me gone, find the drape in the closet which key you kept. remember? your guitar would also be there. i would have kept the floor clean so you can lie there, as you wait for the past to return, strum the hymn you last heard me play...

dont make me write another poem

i was thinking about you the other night

vaguely hearing the last trickles

of your fading song

trekking back to a road we travelled

fingers entwined, willing

ourselves to be lost to a tale

only we knew about

the lines of your lips that formed a silly grin

so vividly etched on my palms

when you lightly kissed them 

in that fleeting moment we chose to leave

undefined

i was thinking of you the other night

remembering the mornings shared

dawns rushed and lazy slumber

damning silence and childish banters

you always knew we were

just two souls on a crossroad, both

halfway to a life, we are to live apart

yet, you say we drag

god in between

your long nights are over

my mornings have come

i thought of you the other night

and i knew

no poem i'll write will ever bring you back