pasko, kahit ayaw mo

meron bang nakakalimot sa pasko?
kahit nga ang may gusto mahihirapan
sinong magsasabing hindi niya ramdam?
kahit pa hindi siya naniniwala
sa banal na kapanangakan
ng sabi'y bukod tanging nilikha..

balanse nga siguro ang mundo
oo! kahit pasko...
habang naamoy ng ilan ang simoy
ng hanging may pagpapala
nanunuot naman ang lamig sa
katawan ng iba.
habang masayang nagbabalot
ng samu't saring regalo ang mga nagdiriwang
naghahabol ang ilan sa pagtunog
ng kampana, harinawang
may maisaing bago magsara ang mga tindahan

kahit ipikit mo ang mata mo
nariyan ang pasko...
at dapat alam mong may iba
na taos na dumadalanging
lumipas ito, kasabay ang pagkatapos
ng kalam ng tiyan nila, o
nang lamig ng isang bangungot

a christmas that haunts

it was a tree, i remember
of cheap thread and cotton balls
bound to the dilapidated wall
we called home
brushed with glitters
and moldy red lipstick
the only thing, you said
you own

i remember my brother's
pleas when he asked for santa
that night, i knew
you were sad
to tell him santa wont come,
but you chose
to drown your tears
with his cries

you are free, now
i can see your amused smile
almost, as we still
look forward to christmases
and believe santa will
one day come

across a life

i may never learn
the language you speak
i can only feel
the anguish
or the joys
you express, with a shriek
or a calm
drowned in silence

i may never set foot
on the soil
where you grew
your scars and some
false dreams
where you planted
your first kiss
under a lush tree,
when it lived

but we have one
same sky that blankets
a cold night
and same stars
that light a lost path
in midnight hues
when petals fall in twilight
or leaves grow in dews

if you wish
in your slumber, come
near, sometimes
it's warmer on this side

death...(musings)

its official, she's dying...
darn! she thought
and then she thought again
how is it
to be dying unofficially, anyway?

does one need to know
death lurks nearby
to see things to live for
again? to give more
and love
with one's last breath

do hugs come warmer
when it evades death?

it's official, she's dying...
but arent we all?.. in time
some are told, some will have
to keep guessing
does it matter?
when, where, of what, and why?

she looks back
she knows, she loved, maybe
a hundred times
she sold her laughters
for a taste of pain
and pawned pains for
the feel of  life

she's dying..
and she doesnt care
when gods come to judge
she'd curtsy with a smile
she may be dying..now
but she's proud she lived
every minute of her undying life

silly (2)

did you hear
the burst of giggles
as dry leaves crackled
under my feet
crisp pecks tickled
a most vibrant morning

did you see as my eyes
sparkled with
dancing hays, unmindful
of an autumn breeze
did you think it's funny
to breathe in hums
as i do, of notes
that spell your name

do not try to understand
please excuse me,
im just in love..

both ways...

maybe i should tell you
how in your absence
he lent his arms
to dig up anthills and present
me the queen
to reign in daylights
bridged by his tales
little stories he made up
or, maybe not
to make me smile

maybe i should tell you
i loved
his warmth, a heart yet
unscathed of bad news
and unexpected old finds
photographs that waited
to be scrapped or burnt
flipping pages of a new book
waiting a read in his hand

yes i should tell you, he knows
i long for you
to ask of buried tales and past
lingered and lived, i have
when you left with stories
you made up, or maybe not,
that made me cry

resilience

i know you wait
for my knees to bend
after you stabbed my faith
it's largest vein, now bleeds
of void, and reeks
of indifference's stench

yes! draw the black drape
over, the last flicker dies
as hope surrenders

but you can never make
the sun mourn for me
i've chained it's vow to rise
at every dawn, and burn until
the last drop of tears i shed
turn to pearls and find their way
back to patched shells of the past
and live
not a life of sorrow
but dreams in solace

too late..

i wish i had a dream
i can tell you about
then maybe you will want
to come with me at night
when only solitude usually fills
my soul with warmth

i wish i could tell you
that the rainbows have set
in the east, across a forlorn window
in my room, then locked
with the ripples that
the rain has left,
together we can swim
an ocean with flaming tides

i wish i could name
all the stars for you
from which you can choose
your company when
no one else heeds your call
maybe, you will find me
wrestling a shadow
that wouldnt leave

i wish i could tell you
i dreamt
there is forever
before time

but i have raced
my youth too fast
i've got no time now
and these dreams arent
mine...

to do note..

i would like to write you a poem

a short one will do the trick i guess

it need not be a classic

it just needs to let you know

that, on mornings when i find no reason

to wake, i remember your smile

i can almost taste it's sweetness

on my lips, tho i never felt you close

that, in a day faced with difficulties

just when im about to give up

i hear your deep voice, chuckling

teasing, telling me i'm being silly

prodding me to move on...

and that

at nights, when nightmares scare

i read your poems, and rest

my world in your little dreams

caress my fears with your soft words

close my eyes so i can share your bliss

i would like to write you a poem

no, it's not that i've fallen in love with you

in fact, i dont understand what love is

i just would like to write you a poem

one day, when i know

what too, a poem means

what the ashes took

there used to be a twig that he watered every day

where she now stands, he'd come and ask

can we pray for that twig to be another tree

than what we know it is gonna be?

she'd laugh each time and his face will turn sad

uttered words in hurt or shame - don't laugh at me mom!

pulling him close to her always does the trick

he'll flash that smile again and go praying for his tree

the white ash that fell softly at first on their roof

that too brought him delight, jumping excited, running around

it must be the snow! we may be blessed this year to have it!

and he just wont stop shouting with joy, thanking his god

until they felt the ashes burn their skin

until they felt their breaths choked

until they found out they waited too long

until they knew anything else would be too late

the ashes buried half the town, and killed half their lives

there used to be a twig where she now stands

and he used to be there to water it everyday with his smiles

she sat where the twig was, it too was just a child

there used to be a smile where the twig was..

**** http://geography.about.com/od/globalproblemsandissues/a/pinatubo.htm

...

i want silence

to prevail over rage

i want reason

to win over fear

i want to remember

bliss, as i leave

will you be my smile tonight?

distant

i was watching them, in celebration of life

dreams reminisced when they still were

a gulp away from their realities

intoxicated they seemed

wine spattered as tosses were thrown

high, boisterous laughter resounds

as my spirits drenched in spills

of left overs, or were they memories?

of the dreams i used to have

i hear their voices, nothing but

mere echoes of a chant of the past

they carry me in whirl so fast!

i lost count of the turns, yet

they go on..and on..and

i hear their laughters, fading

now...soon they'll leave

as if they've never come

and i'll remain, not that

it matters...

no goodbye

there wont be

too many moonlights

i'd see

the dawn has tired

coming for me

i dont want to

leave, but i will

before you knew

read my poems

will you?

make my words live

in your heart

far more than i had

dear dreamer,

have you had your fill

of the night's taunts

of the owl's teasing hoots

of fallen petals from rose buds

nipped of scents

when the wind blew

and colored them red?

shall you bring

a torch

to give you a better view

of the walkway to heaven

a pair of gloves to hold

burning rocks as you climb

to the top of a falling tree

before it hits the ground?

spare candles are in my pocket

i have yet to weave a net

wait for me by the furnace

or wake me before you go

she, yet unknown

no one really knows

who she was

many too may have forgotten

she was once

seen crawling the soil

on tiptoes, with leather boots

made of alligator skin

they thought her pathetic

but then

she stood smiling

with relics of the golden past

crumbling in her hands

a boy remembers her

flying the skies with wings

borrowed from a butterfly

while her own

rest on the stream

singing their morning lullaby

she is gone

now, her ashes have met

with the red lava that always burnt

her passion for the weeds

that stood in the way

of her blooming love

but

someone, somewhere

sometimes swear, she was

at the blue mountain

plowing thru the pebbles

of her deathless toil

there were rumors

of wild hearts growing more

atop the mountains

a few more

butterflies seen flying

without wings

cognizance

she stood on a puddle at her feet, watching, still

a few drops trickle provocatively, thinking it was the rain

an image appears, blurred tho it be, a face.. hers?

a memory of what was hers or what was to be

the thunder sends another warning, jolting her

another storm perhaps was about to come, then

it too shall pass, and everything else will go down the drain

she stood on a puddle at her feet, finding the face, again

the ripples disappear...

many years...

i'll spend the night looking at you

remembering, the many years that passed

between us and the many “us” that passed

those years

we didnt have grey hairs then

white teeth flashing brilliant smiles

yet unstained of defeat’s tar

we made grand plans of building our castle

together, our kingdom

with its own skies, you bargained

for 3 pillows on your side,

yes, I can settle for just one with your arms

wrapped around me all night

many years,

many many years behind us

and we are still apart

we didnt know castles were so hard to make

and the skies sometimes vanish

with the clouds, we always thought

pillows brought comfort

especially on those solitary nights

many years, many many years,

ahead of us, yet

we are still apart

sleep on now, make us live in that dream

i shall join you

as soon as i get tired

just watching you,

many years, perhaps many more years

from now

revert not

why does the seconds hand

seem to run in reverse tonight?

no! dont go that way!

let's not..

go back..remember?

we did not like it there..

you were in a rush

even conniving with the hours

to hurry me

leave, just as i was beginning

to realize, curtains fall

and life... unfolds

remember how

i tried to plea my case

i asked you a pause

a tick or two, if only to make

a few moments last

but you were stubborn

you refused

and when we met,

that brightest twilight,

i remember

tears were gone, and i looked

forward

as you just kept pushing

moving - forward, father

and farther.. forward

now, let's not go back

there's nothing there if we do

just go your way, your usual way

move forward, take me

don't stop now

i've clung to you...

leave!

visit me not

on night's howls

let the day's affairs remain

unruffled

your flippant glee, away

i lived thru most days

simply

drifting, wandering

breathing

i need not to hear

your voice then strain

as it fades

and leaves echoes

i can hardly fathom

words and meanings

sounds

and silence

leave me

and never return

take as well your footprints with you

and everything you think

you touched

every single thing

you claimed to own

if it makes you

happy, take my heart too

my dreams, my hope

i dont need them now

just as i dont need you..

sometimes, there is forever..

sometimes i wish

i can do more than love you

sometimes i ask

the stars to come

and take you in a flight

to the golden sky

that you may see

half of the vastness

of my love

sometimes i remember

the nights we shared

dreaming, naively believing

it can happen

against all storms and tides

holding our breaths

till the night is over

mocking death that shall

find us

together

these are all but memories now

but when they return

and i still feel that melody

and i still can tell how much i love you

and i still can hear you say

how much you love me too

i know

sometimes, there is forever

shadow

don't

pity me, a shadow

you cast in a day

that never sees

light, ever, no matter

how many turns

you make

you see, i don't

cry, not even in whispers

ah! if you could

only feel me

smile

.

.

.

at night

in the darkness, as you reach

for the table lamp beside you

i touch

your hand, and we are

for fleeting seconds

but one

and when you rise

i wake with you

as you are what makes me

you are why i am

you are my light

delusion

sunrise breaks

the night skies

into splinters

visions, images well

captured in a glass

wall, we call mirrors

and see

ourselves, adorned

cuffs and blindfolds

hidden, and proudly

wear our medals of valor

we made it

so it seems, until

the splinters dissolve

goodnight..

i cannot be

with you tonight

as in the past, when

the moon bore witness

to a pallid sky

turned bright by the song

we told

to play, as our souls danced

in melodies whispered

by a gentle night

breeze, choosing to stay

with us

i cannot see

your half slumbered dreams

as the sun rises

tomorrow

send you chills of the dawn's

last giggles

that laid you to sleep

in bliss

of knowing we had

us, to stay

but i shall not be far

i choose to fly your sky

tonight

and scatter dews

on a lush forest

that will embrace your soul

tomorrow

as you walk the path

towards a promise

we made

not so long ago

rest now

with the unfailing warmth

of faith, that days were not wasted

that nights were not spent

on wanton frills

before the next twilight

you shall find

me, and that promise

held gently

by cloud we have named

ours

completeness

i look for you friend

in the last drop of water

from my glass

in the last bubble of wine

that kept my spirit up

in the first leaf that falls

on a spring about to end

in the first dew of winter

that comes un-announced

in the first ray of sun

that knocks

on my dawn, yesterday

today and maybe...

until the last minute

of tomorrow

that i may be

complete, before i go

as you know

you are

that light that completes

this soul

rambling... :P

i try to find

the words to describe

who you are in my life

but none would come

i just know you're there

and i wont have

it any other way

i try to search

the night when we met

was it a nod that started it?

or that curious smile you got

why we stayed

was it? for warmth

or did we just both refuse

to leave?

i know i can

try and fail over

and over again, to find

the answers, but

tonight

when i close my eyes

i shall rest, because tomorrow

when i wake

nothing will change

we shall remain...

same day tomorrow..

some day, the supple lips i kissed

will have melted a lot

of smiles that drowned

the cries in that day

we said goodbye

some day, the curls of your hair

would have wound with

the wind that brushes

memories away

from yesterday, that which

may be forgotten

some day, the sun may not rise

at the same time we have

watched it set, along with

the morrows that will have to wait

when goodbyes end

some day, everything else

we've been at, we have had

will change, will age

...may die

but on that same day

some day...

you will find me here

waiting, for us

to happen again

between the gaps

funny how we sit here together

both with untouched

muffins on our plate

remember when we bid goodbye?

it was a long time ago

you had to have cream and sugar

on your coffee, while i

had to have mine black and strong

has anyone offered you tea?

oh! i tried that...once

once was enough

and now we both know

what yogurt tastes like, they say

its good for the stomach

i wonder what's good for the soul

have you found out?

we'll both have to head back

soon, for lunch, yours at least

i often skip mine

do call when you're around

maybe we'll have brownies

next time

create me anew before you go...

after you're done loving me

tonight, let me stay awhile

and watch you hold

your canvas, as you

create a new me

moisten your paint brush

with the blue tears

i have saved, over the years

that gave my darkness

a lighter hue

choose the color you wake

up to, each morning

make it

the color of my aging skin

let your brush strokes erase

the hurt print of yesteryears

and draw veins

for hopeful breaths anew

give me a shade

of all the colors you lived

...your playful youth that teased

life, and squandered twilights

...the man you were

who loved, both your woman

and a dream they called lie

...the wisdom etched

with smiles and frowns

...the wait you now make

of the grandest dawn

that shall free your soul

of all the things that cannot be

when you're done painting me

tonight, i shall leave

but it will be as if

...i never left

faded rainbow

the colors may have faded
following tides
even blowing winds change
remember
when you felt the canvas
with your hands?

you touched its colors
felt its breath
in your palms

look at your hands now
it is part of what made them
tremble, and grip strong
it is now part of you
that flows

cause when you touched
its colors
you took in the rainbow
to be what you are

now

cheat

i dont want to hear

my silence

because instead i hear your voice

a long time ago

when you concealed forever

in a candy wrap

and gave it to me

as present...

i told you i dont like sweets

they water my mouth

with kindness

and make my stomach churn

of bitterness

but you insisted

said this one we'll share

and that hot coffee you made

will make sure it melts

within us

and then i hear that same voice

that told me last night

we cannot help it

things have changed

we always knew somehow

we were better off

as friends

turn your back now

you have said what you came for here

to say

it ended

i accept, i surrender

dont wait for my reply

harsh words words may

come out this time

i know what happened

you took the candy

and left me the wrapper

the last dusk

i watched you sleep

last night

when you thought i was

sleeping beside you

i cannot take my eyes off your face

your confused eye brows

almost tell a story

of how your day had been

your closed eyes that move beneath

the lids, as if searching

cried a silent tear when i whispered

her name

your lips that formed a frown

for a minute, then a smile lingers

for hours

i stopped thinking

the deep, incomprehensible murmurs

remind me of the first

time you said...

you love me

your words were clear then

my mind was fuzzy

you turned and reached for me

held my hand and pulled me close

it was one time i wished

you were awake

i snuggled, let your arms

wrap around me

feeling your breath on my face

oh god! i prayed

let him wake, and see us this way

or maybe, better not

and let this moment last...

let me remember, as i leave

long after i've turned

my back to a promise made

another song ends

perhaps i should

blame the owl that was too lazy

to create its hooting sounds

or the crickets that masked

their buzzes on a pond's splatter

that night, the moon beams

spreading the stars

on a sky we have never seen

what started as a hum that lived

in the confines of my...illusions

(i sometimes call them dreams)

was heard

by you, by them, the entire world

and cheers spread like wild fire

burning dried leaves and old grass

where my soul slept when

i was just myself

and suddenly you were

dancing my music

your body movements got me

entranced...

swaying, spinning, whirling!

unending chants i hear

they tell me to stop! they tell me

this dream is not mine!

and my shadow watched as i

got lost, in every step towards

heaven or was it hell?

i took every turn, every leap

until there was

none left for me to make, and

i strained

to hear the beat, my guide

in this craze

it's no longer there

leaving me

trapped in this maze

fatal ride

i feel my sporadic heartbeat

faintly cries surrender

as if my heart wants, nay

need, direly need that rest

my lungs deprive my breath

of air, while my head it fills up

the rest of my being wants to live

on, they fight, a vicious struggle

one winning the first minute

and another on the next

and they affect my eyes

i feel a twitch

moist comes out, i see

nothing but black and grey

wasn't the sky

blue yesterday?

this is a ride

rough and wild, nasty ride

and i dared

taking a front seat, buckled

i played brave, so sure i will

make it, to the end

where you said you will be

waiting

and it took a ruthless loop

my head missed

hitting the ground, as i saw

you, or was it your shadow?

leaving...i called out

your name, everyone heard

and turned

except you..,you kept walking

away, father and farther away

not once looking back

and i was still in the loop

merely gazing now

watching you leave

or was it

just your shadow?

i hear the hinges creak

madly

as if in mock rhythm

telling me the end will happen

here, not where you waited

here where i hang

my feet above my head

my hands reaching

to touch the ground

if only

for the last time

i saw bolts falling off

one after another

making silent thumps

that only i seem to hear

every one else has left

safely off their cabs, happy

to see where their ride ended

yet i remain

here hanging, blood now seems to flow

only between my heart

and my head, blurring

my thoughts, obscuring the purpose

why i am here

a final jolt

and i knew i too will fall

off, this cab, off this ride

where my end waited

yes, an end just mine

indifference has consumed me

no fear exists now

i wait

in listless silence

knowing it will happen

any moment now

it will

just happen

closing my eyes

i saw myself here hanging

from a distance

flailing soul that can

no longer cry

remembering the world

before this ride

where i did not exist

where there were just

beginnings

no end, no fear, no pain

where love did not matter

and dreams

were not mine

eyes closed and still

waiting

i see the sky now

burning souls

who took this ride

but my soul is not

there yet

it's still watching me

maybe it too is waiting

for the fall

that will shred my flesh

into bits of memories

that saw you come

and leave

for you

i shall catch the rain

collect its drops with my hands

that you may wash your face

with them, and dilute the tears

i saw you shed last night

i will collect all the stars flirting

your sky, keep them in my closet

and there will be darkness all around

then you will know you are

never alone on a sleepless night

should a fairy promise not to leave

you, in a forgotten tale

and asks for my soul to keep

their pages alive, i will not have qualms

i died the day you left my side

the gods may not know my name

i have not come to them too often

but i will sing their songs of praise

and if for my heart they ask, i shall

humbly use their cleaver, cry my blood

in plea for them to bless your life

remember?

remember how,

you said we will change

each others' lives

how scars will fade

as each year passes us?

remember when

you said this is forever, today

that tomorrow is yet

a promise

yesterday, but a reminder

of what we couldnt have

remember why

we loved despite

and in spite..of them

who said we couldnt

who thought we wouldnt last

remember?

tell me if you do

because sometimes

i forget too...

the bottomline

it shall yet be

a thousand dreams

that we may see fail or fly

a hundred fights

that will end some

nights

a few good smiles

we'll send across

the miles

a million hours

we'll spend apart

but when the night turns in

as we

separately, half awake stare

outside our windows

feeling and filling

each other's heart

pondering on tomorrow

that awaits

our love

we know, its time

for a curtain call

and waning applauses

fading bright lights

vanishing paths un-trekked

and what will remain

that really matters

is us

you and i

growing old

together

promise me forever and i will love you..tonight

do not tell me we shall trek a road

unfamiliar to us, with light flickering

as candles to our home, giving but

a peek of what there shall be for us

i have stepped on thorns far too many

i will need you to carry me, a step or two

maybe, if only to give me rest, from a journey

i took on by myself before you came

dont tell me to wait for the world

to understand before you wear the shirt

i've sewn for you with trembling hands

my fingers bled with needle pricks for this

i can no more hide behind the shadow

of the morrow's you have promised

which have failed to come, somehow

with the mocking sun set each time

sleep if you must now, at peace with love

but take me to where your dreams will be

hold me tight, whisper me forever

let it start tonight...

solitude's child

when shall i stop feeling

alone

i am tired! of this anguish

i have lost

the strength to fight, I

want some rest, please

now...

ignore my sobs, as i

speak in codes thru breaths

i grasp

do not hold me

even when my will breaks

into wails

of prayers, pathetically sung

in an empty mosque

that sometime ago i built

with my lies

i cannot forever cry

the silence that resounds

within my soul, shatters

what remains

of hope i hid from

my saline tears

and the walls that shield

my despair

from your inquisitive eyes

fall, brick by brick

as promises are hurled

at my stoic stance

but they come, and go

as tides to a shore, leaving

some, taking what's mine

then comes the moon

grinning at fate, its glow

taunts the shadows

that your light squandered

with the setting sun

last night i dreamt

i was alone

i was singing, and dancing

and whirling to a trance

i was not happy, neither

was i sad

i was alone, and i dreamt

let solitude adopt me

call me its child..

a poem, again...

i knew it was

a dream, and soon

the sun will come

to hurt my eyes

force them

open with the sharp glint

of light that pierces

thru the drapes of darkness

i painted yesterday

and i have to

write again, maybe

a thousand more

words to hold me still

to breathe out

frustrations and anger

and lies that swore

and sadness

and a poem

my tree of life

in this moment between

the past and my twilight

i come

by your side, wrapped

in my shawl

that wards off the cold

that the night left

behind

i watch your aging roots

now so deep into the ground

held strong by all the seasons

that passed, some veins died

but still many have lived

to wait for new rains to heal

wounds that bled

once

leaning on your body

i feel your life, rhythmically

flowing as each second ticks

away from what is never forgotten

yet finding harmony

with the color of an ancient love

in hopeful throbs

of what's yet to

find

the wind ruffles your leaves

and tells your story

the rise and fall

of tides you witnessed, blaring

desperate thunders

across the sea, i heard the whisper

resolute faith holds you

calm

let me cling to you

on your branches, with your skin

etched with the beauty

of teeming wisdom

slightly parched and fragile

but glows with warmth

of the timid sun rise, now slowly

peeking thru the sleepy clouds

i shall stay

with you until the next setting sun

until the last dew is blown

off our lives to nourish

a new born soil

from the remnants

of the days we shared

together in the last chapter

of our lives

watch the stars for me

we had been

silly

sitting on the roof, waiting

for a star to fall on us

arms widespread

to catch it

we invented songs

lovers will not dare sing

as time passed

cursed

each cloud that broke

a lucky star's fall

today i woke

my foot soles blistered

the last trip to the roof

left sun rays that

still burnt

i cant meet you there

tonight

nor on other nights

as i have to run

after a life that has

waited long enough

for me to live

keep my wishes

in your pocket, then

keep going back

remember me when you laugh

at another lonely star

stubbornly flaunting

its glow

think of me

every night while you wait

watch them as we did

pretend

im there beside you

remember how

...i never left

the world thru my eyes

once

you asked

if i have seen the world

and what its like

it took some time

for an answer to come

if your world is also mine...

i flew the skies and found clouds aren't soft

that beyond them are not rainbows but

tears that wait for the rain

to paint them blue or run them dry

years i spent climbing that mountain

for that promised land papa talked about

and there found smog, filth and slaves

that their masters left behind

i dove unto the heart of an ocean

and found there too dead corals lie

i've seen some fish feed on their young

because the sun killed the moss last night

i bathed free along the shore for a day

and three nights, bare skin that made

love with its sand, drifting along the debris

that the waves brought and took, as mine

the sun doesn't rise nor set my child

it doesn't melt on a placid lake as we believed

it watches us day and night, amused

of the foolish dreams we make

the stars did not shine for you nor for me

they have their own reason to be

they light our path, true perhaps, remember tho

they shall pass in their time, not ours, not us

i have written a hundred poems

of love, of hope, of dreams

I spat bitter songs of trust and betrayals

I have played with words so many times

not once knowing the stake was I

grey hairs have started to grow

papa says i'm not as pretty no more

the lines you see on my face now

are those i bought from a carefree youth

hear my laughter it is not as loud

they tell my story, mostly those untold

of the many pages my life explored

a few good ones to storm will hold

on nights when i feel brave enough to cry

the tears i shed are not of pain

but remembrances of all i have

missed and kept and loved and failed

dare not shake my hand, i have brittle bones

now, battles that left me frail and weak

are same walls that hold me up

eager and waiting for what's yet to come

tomorrow i shall tell you what world is like

let me rest tonight, let me close my eyes

allow me to..

live that life anew that you remind me of

wake up to a dream i'd like to tell you about

......

let me buy you a mountain where you can grow

your words, swim in its rains and dance

between the thousand colors of the rainbow

that towers above your faith, reliving dreams forgot

then you can follow the stream which stole

your rhymes in the middle of the night and left

nothing but a dead star that pleads for light

a breath shared twice in fleeting seconds of life

and then i will paint you a brand new sky

where there will be pearls and dew drops

and a thousand doves flying in sweet surrender

with simple joy to the warmth of your twilight

and then you can close your eyes and live anew

feel the touch of soft breezes on your skin

hear the chirping birds that play in your heart

humming your song from a vague memory..

nothing said..

hey

how are you?

im fine..surprised to see you...how are you?

im alright. your hair looks shorter.

no, they're just tied. some things better that way, right?

ah, you haven't changed. you still speak in riddles.

and have you started answering some?

no, i never understood them.

yes, i know, im sorry, i didnt mean that quip.

dont mention, you're right. how are your poems?

ah, i have written a hundred so far. some good, some bad.

can i read them, im sure they're beautiful.

you say that when you dont read suspiscious comments

haha well, yeah, can you blame me?

no, i never once did. so, how is your life?

just fine, there had been ups and downs.

hmmmm...

you know thats the first time you said hmmm

yes, i have learned not to say that all too often

some things do change after all?

when necessary yes, so what's going on?

going on where? nothing much here

in your head, i think i can still tell when you're thinking some

as you know, i was lost, but im still here, now.

was there ever gonna be an end you think?

not on my side, was there for you?

i was convinced there was, it's been a year you know?

yes, i know, if i were you, i will not talk to me...

but you know me better, right?

hmmmm...

your turn to say that...

yes, you still leave me speechless.

funny how you say that...

hey, got a call, i gotta go...

i know

i will see you

(when? - un-asked) alright..

(another call) i will see you..

(a nod)

off he ran towards his wife...

won't you..

i know when

you return, i will leave

the quilt i have been trying to make

for years, for myself, when cold nights come

and you will not be by my side

i know when

you speak, i will forget

all the things i heard you not say

and will refuse to hear my own words

as my heart is deaf when to you it listens

i know when

you hold my hand, yesterday will vanish

and tomorrows will not matter, as that day

you are with me will be the start and end

of everything, of my life, of my dream

i shall be on my knees, from now till it happens

i will never ask for explanations of where you've been

or look for what had failed to happen

i will never tell you of the nights when

even tears failed to drown sadness

or when i hated myself for knowing

you may never return, but still

waited and believed in that one moment

when i will wake up to see the sun

in your eyes, glowing as it never had

but

allow me to ask one thing from you

please do no make me wait again

years have passed and im not as strong

my memory fails to remember my name

please tell me now if you wont, and i

will leave my prayers for that quilt

i will need to finish it as soon as i can

before my eyes are blinded with mist again

respite

just for tonight

let me sing our song

as I hold his hand

let my heart shout

of all the love for you (some you never heard)

of how I changed

the color of my wind

from nothingness to dreams

because that's what you wanted

let me tell

of how I stopped the waves

from rolling a placid ocean

where you take your morning breath

and wash the tears

you cried on a night

that the moon forgot to shine

let me make believe

it is your hand im holding

and your heartbeat i hear

that says im loved

and longed for and wont

ever be let go of

that i matter

that..I

let me just for tonight

because tomorrow i will wake up

and find

but a shadow of my past

when you shared

that dream we both knew

will fade with sunrise

because tomorrow i will

have to tell him again

it's you i love...

then he and i will both know

we lost, both

trekking a path, an end

we'll never find

when love is not..

was it the burning sound of his words

that made you forget the bruises and cuts

last night, when nothing was needed

yet nothing...was ever enough..

was it yesterday when you heard him

call, not by your name, but with so much

spite that thrusts insult at every bone you have

left, yet unbroken by his touch...

is it the wail of that naked infant, once

inside your womb, that will make you stay

to bear another sunset, basked in

uncertainty of what's ahead...

he spits venom and makes you swallow

filth that he has made of you, or was it

what you made of yourself? choking on

his truth...dying in his lies...your life

wasted and you dont even know

when shall you hear that failing voice inside?

passer by

were you just

a dream that sneaked in

the darkest days

that many nights have waited

to end

were you just

a breeze that fleetingly passed

to extinguish despair

of humid hopes, unreconciled

trust

the crickets have stopped

their pulsating buzz

your shadow has failed to cast light

tonight, the first

of fall

i did not pray

for spring to last..as then

the flowers bloom will

wither sadly on a day when the sun shines

yet so brightly

but why did you turn your back?

just as i was

starting to undo lame tasks

deceptions that clung to voices of

tomorrow, promised today

my kinder fate

now echoes hum

unrelenting, your words, your songs

memories you never painted

left to tread alone again

my orphaned past

---

steps forward
left
instead
of right
thoughts blocked
words strummed, then
unstrummed
notions of falls - false
rose, high! oh so high
vanished
by clouds
under your feet

steps forward
and back
then

stop

the answer

the first

time you have written

a thunder

resounded across the pacific

refutes death

of a dream i have

almost

surrendered

i shall let

the sweet music play

over and over

to wake me at dusk

and plunge with sun set

to burn every fiber

i have held

resilient..until

i melt

in your words

with

your words

then nothing else need

be said

the last lap...

the gun shot that signaled

the start is now

nothing

but an echo of the past

fading

as does breath turn

to whimper

grasping for will

at each step

to go further, a foot

an inch, even smaller

just cant stop, now

not yet..

stretching my arms, perhaps

i can reach

the flag on that block

colors are vague now

so was the dream

but i need

to get there, no matter

cheer me on, let me

be there where it ends

then

rest, i can

love me when i can know..

do not trust
the wind to tell me
as it may be
busy to scatter my ashes
unto the waters
of my choice, or yours

nor leave the task to
the candle which light now
flickers in the twilight
of my death
may soon forget what was
unsaid, or stammer
to mimic your whisper
the silence you uttered

tell me before
my failing ears yield surrender
to a call so loud
persistent these days
dragging my soul
to the walk, a path blinded
maybe until
i hear...them said

let my eyes see last
your heart naked
and that promise i know
you will never make
let me leave, believing
i lived awhile more
to feel what i heard you say
in my last
dream

*note..the title is not mine, this is something i have always heard my dad say when i was a child..

for mama

would you allow me to taste

the sweet nectar of a wild flower

from your garden, then maybe

i can forget the bitter taste of a dream

will you sing me that sweet song

that always carried me to sleep, in peace

i would like to remember how not

to worry about when i shall wake

wont you kiss me again, on these wounds

whisper the magic that made them heal

they have bled me pallid dry for years

i'll hold my breath, yes please do the stitch

i need your cuddle now, i want your warmth

i need to hear from you again it will be fine

you told me not to hurry into the world

im back home now..where are you mom?

let me..

yesterday, you told me to save my words

till the day you ask to hear my thoughts

when you have ran out of yours, and mine

then i should speak to let the clouds dance

chanting to the whirl of a lullabye, silently

fading..slowly into the darkness, until

my words are all that's left

to light the path we both know

that is not...

today, the sun forgot to shine

still, you remain silent

your sight laid beyond

the hill that seeped into the lake

vanished dreams yet to form

again

you tell me to wait...

tomorrow shall cease

i know, you too...

echoes still remain of what i have

yet to say

a promise stays a lie, unless you

free me! let me, now

let me...love you

while i can

leaving in peace..

allow me to be near

your breath that bathes

my parched soul, then

let me whisper

tenderly my joys

of standing near

an inch away from your dreams

i hold no pouch of gold

my hands tremble

remembering

the longing never quenched

a hunger left un-noshed

allow me to dream

without fear

i'll be taking yours

at your feet i shall lay

my cloak

drenched in yesterday's

tears

though never shall i let you

know

my life is yours

survived in meager truths

as i watched feasts

cream whipped lies topped

of glitters known

let me rest

in your arms, my feeble soul

hold me

if only for this last hour

sing me your song, let me

hear my last

whimper of joy

before i go..

unnamed..

you are
a poem yet unwritten
as words
need yet be invented
to define the void
that you fill
with each passing

clouds that blocked my west
so the sun won't set
when dusk knocks
on my pain

you are
the feel i have
yet to hold
an evaporated dream
that condenses a smile
and make it linger
after a tide

let the ocean roll
in sweet waves
that shall caress my feet
amidst the shore
that my past burnt

today that i wish
to meet in my slumber
my truth unleashed
by a ghost of yesterday
my mirror image brings
tomorrow, uncertain
but there...
you are

still, somehow..

if

i had my way

i will

make you

stay

but how

does one capture

the scent

of dew bathed leaves

when dawn breaks?

can one

cling

to the soothing breeze

that touches?

why paint

the union of seas

and rainbows of hundred

colors when i need

them

for my dreams?

i shall

let you be

still...

somehow

when you're gone

beyond my reach

i will remember

once

you were

here

reasons

you asked

what my story is

in tears i told, each word

blood stained, some scarred

many still throbbing

with each thrust

a painful memory bursts

and you listened

with misty eyes and reddened cheeks

you felt them

you knew what i was saying

then you penned

each line wove in a poem

that gave life to all the pain

that made nightmares real

that told me i was not dead yet

and maybe, just maybe

tomorrow i shall still be here

to read what you have written

then you wrote more

of how it will be, of what i failed to see

of what i dreaded to dream

of why im still here

then there was hope

my wings you spread majestically

atop a cliff

the clouds almost

within my reach

and i flew, dared the skies again

where once i hid from the rains

when once i took darkness

for my solace

while it was bright and blue

outside my cave

then i saw you wave

with a smile

applauding my flight

and i flew higher, and higher

and higher still

then... i saw your shadow turn

nodding your head

content and happy, yes maybe

you've done it

i am now tired...

it was great soaring high

but the winds are blowing strong again

i want to land back

i want to return

yet, i want to keep flying

or remain

suspended in the air

because something tells me

i will not find you there

leaving just your pen

and the space where you once stood

something tells me

there wont be

another poem

pleasant death

look at me

let those glaring eyes pierce thru

my pain

and let it burst

all out, let me be

empty again

touch me

let my skin burn

that scars may turn

fresh wounds

that will let out

false hopes, open ended lies

or were they

dreams?

kiss me

let me feel the softness of your lips

that will make mine bleed

for prayers

uttered in despair

of longing and faith

love me

let me see the truth you hid

with petals of desires and thorns

of adulation..spoken in silence

that very softly left me

dead

curtain calls

when i walk up that stage

to make my final bow

it wont be the lights that will matter

but the hands that held mine

as i wait for my name to be called

or not to be, maybe...

when the orchestra reaches crescendo

it wont be the note playing in my mind

but the breath you held close

to mine, bridging our lives

as the show ends, and lights turned off

one by one, i'll close my eyes

and remember not their applauds

but your sweet nod of approval

and i shall leave the center stage

with no regret, and run backstage

where you will be, waiting

to hold me back in your arms

i want to be a memory

so you can have me anytime you want

needing no words to define

no lines to poems to remember

nor understand

no reading between the lines

remember me as i am now

with that smile i can flash only for you

the long hair you always wanted unbound

the skin that glowed in dimmed lights

the laughter you never heard the sound

keep me within the pockets of your soul

with the colors you loved on me

my hands that reached and fingers that longed

touched but never held, tho we both wished

somehow we had

so you can have me anytime you want

that i can be with you in no measure

of distance, of time, days and nights

wont matter when you close your eyes

i am beside you and will stay as long as you

want me to, if you let me be

for you, become a memory..

why?

why cant i write you a poem?

when i know that the sound of your voice

brought the morning birds soaring to the skies

rejoicing the music they heard, and played

in rhyme with your heartbeat and mine...

why cant i write you a poem?

when i know that the heat of the afternoon sun

melted parched rocks of indifference, when touched

by vision that saw beyond the brown moss

and formed caves where union will be

were all because you have come

why cant i write you a poem...

why wont words come?

why do i just hear love in all songs sung

why do i just smile?

i need to find the answers

i need to tell you i love you

wont you tell me

why?

i love you

i haven't too many

left, to give nor to promise

i've used up dreams

now all expired

from yesteryears

some before, others, during

the many turns i took

i've used up all my rhymes

the strings of my guitar

may no longer hum

strummed pain of the past

has kept them

for a bit too long

mistaking void for solace

thinking silence means peace

come you now

in dazzling calm

and i wish i had some to offer

to match your charm

but all i have are three words

you may have

read so many times

only these three words

to say, in whisper i will

so the wind wont hear

that they may not be touched

and be blown

away from us

i pray them..stay

i hope you will

feel and know how much

giving them i leave myself nothing

still, i wish

tell me

are they enough?

breaking free

if i let the tears fall

tonight

will they be the last?

i will let them flow

till it floods

i shall let the cold seep in

till i am past shivering

till no more i can feel

till my senses turn numb

till my heart stops beating

till my soul feels empty

i will let them flow

till none will come

till the void they fill

of nothingness that shall

flow from memories

to dreams

till yesterday is blurred

and tomorrow unclear

till today is erased

i will let them

flow as would a stream

till they break the walls

of indifference i have built

till they shatter

the glass of illusion

that stands between me

and myself

then make them stop

tell me you will

and then tell me

i shall feel

fear maybe, or even pain

it doesnt matter

just let me

...again

yet, again

i have lost

myself between my own

lines and curves

never made it

sense nor direction

to see an end

not an end but

to end

yet another chapter

of lies and truths remained

misunderstood

or perhaps eyes turned

blind, yet again

the sky painted green

to believe

it will not rain

in piercing jest

the clouds roared

red, love and anger

there!

i have lost

yet, again..

folded photograph

i've kept it

for so long

faded and torn

now it is

as i look

each time to remember

or maybe not

to forget

tears must have

caused colors to melt

in forgotten days

of hope

or love settling for

unmade dreams

prayers hushed

i look back...again

the folds shall soon

cut it to parts

i cannot just watch

let it remain

unfolded...away from me

but whole

for a last night

should i dream

my last tonight

it will be

of no fear

the black and white

of yesteryears shall combine

and a new colour shall be born

that which you can touch

and feel

and smile or cry about

but pain you will

forget...

i dont wish to leave

so many more dreams

i want to make

but i hear a voice

drawing me near

to that dreaded end

a pull so great

i tried

my resistance is

futile...

i cannot bring you

to where i'll go

im not sure if i can return

i'll negotiate somehow

if only for a last time

to sing

in your dreams

should i fail

you will know

my poems...all the good and bad

ones i leave

find me there when

you read

between the lines

in my silence, you... will feel

should i dream my last tonight

hold me dear, hold me tight

believe

im not lost...nor are you

shall find on your morrow

pray and smile

then let me

go...

an old canvas

you

captured my soul

locked in that canvas

you called

dreams..

painted me joy

colours that blazed

and clung unto my skin

ah! they never shall

fade..

and then

a final stroke

drawing lines, broken

though

from end to end

mine, then

yours

the brush stares

now at me, admiring

the beauty you have

made, mine

and i wait..

will you be back?

an escape

i have used up all words

i know

i have mismatched rhymes

long ago

old songs have played again

and again

un-fathomed emotions lost

buried, forgotten

no solace found in hope

no more

deceiving lights in days

and morrows

may well not come, i shall not wait

its setting dawns i'll never know

memories locked in caskets real

no looking back..wont reminisce

i close my eyes, instead of search

in humming silence...let me be

and in my darkness, let me dream

goodbye...

the last leaf had fallen
on soil cracked and dry
i've no more tears to shed
to nourish this land

my words have failed
the poems didnt rhyme
their meanings lost
forever
as i

the night gets darker
not a star now shines
ah the moon too hid
but the cloud, yes they are
ready to pour some rain
to wash clean
a soul
now bidding goodbye

shadows

alone again

tonight

plays the memory

of your last words

you dont need me

spoken and drowned

in the deafening

soft whispers

of water splashing

from the falls to a pond

both just

man-made

numbness engulfed

from head to toe

but somehow

skipped my heart!

Oh Lord! dont...

look at the pond

now it overflows

and my eyes are dry

i wish the words remained

and it's i who drowned

instead

i bear, the water still splashing

the pond now in glee

noshing on its feed

a soul

void

dreams, nonchalant

and it wells

as if in celebration

i dont look
and i will not ask
as every drop
wrung from the core
makes my eyes dry
even more

i walk for nowhere

and no one

now

in the stark darkness

yet i know

i am never alone

those words will haunt

tracing every footstep

i leave

mocking, locking
piercing jests
and ironies
with luck and fate

why leave now?

wont the sun set
in a few minutes
anyway
maybe
for the last time
too

the clock hasn't struck
12
months and days
can wait

no more breaking
dawns
one final dusk
and it ends

stay...

together
let's wait

burnt...

the story went

but the last page burnt

the words played right

until...

I thought it was in jest
once you told me not to fall
in love
not to dream
my life away, not to dream
my life

i provoked, i dared
didnt listen, learned
until...

an unnamed solace

what is this place you brought me to?

they say heaven had angels

but i am in darkness, complete

silence

then, why

i feel fine, not cold... at all

not lost, tho

i cannot see

but i know i will follow

your footsteps lead, i listen

your voice, guides

i hear mine

no rights....

wrongs undefined

i dare not ask

i wish to understand

make me bend

and not resist, tell me

to believe and not

question

and before it ends

just

let me

love

i cannot cry

maybe i can tell you how i feel so you can write about it

because you write so well, yes, i think you can

i tried but cannot find the words and my pen ran out of ink

my notepad too tore into pieces when i tried and failed

maybe i can show you my heart and you'll see it bleed

then you can taste my pain and write about it

and you can help me paint the sky in glaring grey

so the blames will stop, they'd know...i tried and failed

or maybe you can hear me sing and witness

how my voice cracks and my notes falter

lost rhymes and confused rhythms, here melody fades

then i stop. and say no more. no dont ask. no tears will show